Father of the Bride

I'm sitting here watching "Father of the Bride" for the  hundredth or so time. I love this movie it has a lot memories for me. The first is Sam, the day Jason Stary left for Tajikistan we were both a little sad. Jason had lived with us while collecting support for this mission, he and Sam had become close, Luke was away at college and Sam was going through a tough period. Jason was like a brother as well as a friend.  Sam and I didn't say a lot to one another but we just sat and watched "Father of the Bride".  This is a happy memory for me and I think of it every time the movie comes along on the remote.

The second set of feelings are far more complicated and not nearly as pleasant. I wish they wouldn't come but they always do and they always make me deal with something I only think about occasionally. I have only put these thoughts and feelings into words on paper one time before and that was to the person at the center of all of this.  I'm sharing this with you because I want to for one, and because I think I need to. I need to in order to understand a little more for myself and so maybe you will understand me a bit more. The beginning of the story goes back to 1970 but the meat of the story starts on June 11, 1982.

In 1970 my mom and dad were divorced, I was 9 years old and didn't really understand all that was involved with this. Dad and my brother left and thus began the every-other weekend-visits. I don't remember a ton of that time, the benefits of being a kid, your forget a lot of stuff. About a year later my dad left Kansas City and I think I can count how many times I saw him after that, up to and including my wedding day, on one hand. I can go into a blame game here but I'm not going to, it doesn't matter anymore and isn't productive. Let' just say that dad and I weren't terribly close, it was mostly cordial.

On June 11, 1982 Chris Lancaster asked me to marry him. I said yes. Let the wedding planning begin. We planned a church wedding and reception, cake and punch. It was going to be simple, beautiful and pink--my favorite color--set the date for June 4, 1983. We were both graduating from college on May 15, 1983, so most of my senior year in college was spent doing wedding stuff and Chris spent his senior year in college doing school and doing job interviews, going on plant trips and dealing with too much rejection from that.

Shortly after we got engaged I started thinking about what I wanted most for my wedding day. I wanted it to be perfect, like a story book, but things don't always happen the way you want them to. First of all dealing with the lady at the church who was in charge of the wedding stuff was proving to be challenging. She wouldn't let me have 2 of the 3 songs I wanted as part of the ceremony, they weren't "religious" and didn't fit in a church wedding. I was devastated because picking the music is so personal for brides and in the end I did not get to hear those two songs because one was prior to the service and the other was following, both times of which I wasn't in the sanctuary.

The next thing that didn't happen the way I would have wanted was the part where I walk down the aisle.  In a perfect world daddy walks his little girl down and gives her hand to the next man in her life. I wasn't daddy's little girl, this was the part of my life that never happened. I grew up with my mom, she did great, she did everything she could possibly do and I appreciate it all. But she couldn't be daddy. All that being said, I made the decision to walk down the aisle alone, with all the parents standing and answering the question "who blesses this couple tonight?' with "we do". Adequate but not storybook perfect. I chose not to have my dad give me away because I truly felt as though he did not deserve that privilege, he had given me away a long time ago and didn't really make much of an effort to be daddy to me. I couldn't ask my mom to walk me down the aisle, for one thing that was way too progressive for the Lutheran church (and me) and for another thing it would be too hard emotionally for both of us. We had been just the two of us for a long time.

So when I watch "Father of the Bride" I get very emotional because I feel as if I missed that time of my life when I was the center of my daddy's universe and could do no wrong, that time when he would do anything for me simply by my asking. I never had that person who looked at me like a daddy looks at his little girl, that person who taught me how a husband was to be, what a father was to be. No one to show me the way a man treats a woman. Fortunately for me, God had a man in mind for me. A man whose father knew these things. A man who wanted to be all these things and more, just for me. I am blessed and I hope Chris knows how much he means to me. When I was pregnant, both times I secretly hoped it wasn't a girl. I didn't want to deal with the kind of daddy Chris would be to a little girl, I knew that I would be jealous because he would be PERFECT!!

I know that George and Annie Banks are not real, I know that a lot of girls grow up without their dads, I know that Chris and I were still 100% married even without my dad giving me away.  I know that my wedding was perfect and I couldn't have asked for more. I try not to resent my dad, I try not to be angry, I try but sometimes I fail. Mostly when I watch "Father of the Bride"...

So what have I learned from this? I've learned that some feelings run pretty deep and cannot be stopped from coming to the surface. I have learned that "Father of the Bride" is still a fun movie and I will watch it every time I run across it.  But seriously,  I have also learned that we are what we have lived. I am the person I am because of the things that have happened to me. I am who I am supposed to be. I am who God knew I was going to be, I am who He designed me to be and I hope I honor Him in my life.

One year ago...

I don't know how to really approach this but I am going to try best as I can.  One year ago Chris and I were on a geocaching date for the day. The day started with coffee at Quay, our favorite spot to have a coffee date. On our way out of town, we were on our way to Lawrence, KS to find some specific caches Chris was looking for, I got a call, it was Luke's caller ID, and I answered, as I always do, "Hey baby, what's up!?!?" On the other end of the call was Jess, Luke's new girlfriend. I had met her in November briefly, at the coffee shop she works at in Nashville. I didn't even really know they were actually dating, just that Luke liked her and thought she was cute (which she is).  Anyway, Jess was on the other end of this call telling me that Luke was at Vanderbilt Med Center in the ER, his leg was infected and they were trying to figure out what was going on. She was not letting on how serious this was and told me she would keep me posted throughout the day about how he was doing. Chris and I went about our day as planned, I was a little preoccupied with thinking about Luke but I had a good time nonetheless.  Later that night we talked again and things were a lot different from the morning. She was completely freaked out and on the verge of losing it, she was panicked and throwing out words like septic, amputation, this was more than I could comprehend. Less that 12 hours later, I was on a plane to Nashville. I've written previously about Luke's ordeal and I am not going to repeat it here.

It is one year later and things have returned to normal, what has changed? I for one, I found and inner strength that I did not know I had. I found a faith that I will never take for granted again. I found that people will stand in the gap for you. I found that friends will hold your life in their hands for however long you need them to. I found that people you don't know will pray for you. I found that your husband will drive a million miles to make life better for you. I found that my boys, all of them, are the center of my universe and there is nothing that will change that.

The day, one year ago, is still as clear in my memory as it was that day. I keep hoping it will fade but it may never go away. Facing the death of a child is something I hope you never have to experience but I did and I'm trying to move past that part. Luke is doing GREAT, he is healthy, happy and better than ever, so why do I struggle with these damn flashbacks?? I saw my baby struggle for breath, I watched him make the decision to fight to keep his leg--amidst ICU psychosis--I spent two months living in a bachelors apartment taking care of my 27 year old sick child. I was away from my grandbabies. I relied on my mom to take care of my puppy and my husband's laundry and ironing. I want to not remember but I know that I will not be able to EVER forget. How do you move on? How do you? I do not know, I do not think I will ever be free from the flashbacks. This is something that has left an indelible mark on my life and I must learn to face the flashbacks and accept the tears that accompany them.

I try to focus on the positive. I marvel at the miracle that happened following this horrific time. I think about the young lady who stole my son's heart and saved his life. I watched one son rush to the side of his brother and just hold his hand. There are so many good things to think on and I am grateful for each of them. Not a day goes by that I don't think about the miracle that happened and maybe that is why I have flashbacks, this is not something I can put in the memory banks, it must remain front and center. It is a constant reminder of the power of God and His love for me and my family. He did a miracle in my life and no one can tell me differently, I asked people to pray and they did, more than I could ever imagine. So many things have happened between then and now, life has returned to a place of normalcy. I go about doing all the things I do, the things I am built to do. I take care of my home and my family. But I have to tell you that I look at those things a little differently and I hold each moment a little more tenderly.

This is our experience, your experience will be very different from ours. I will pray for you and for your loved ones, please just ask me, I don't even need the details, God knows, He will be with you, it may not be how you think you need Him, but He will be there, in many forms. So maybe the flashbacks aren't negative, maybe they are just a reminder to me to thank God once again for being in my life.