One year ago...

I don't know how to really approach this but I am going to try best as I can.  One year ago Chris and I were on a geocaching date for the day. The day started with coffee at Quay, our favorite spot to have a coffee date. On our way out of town, we were on our way to Lawrence, KS to find some specific caches Chris was looking for, I got a call, it was Luke's caller ID, and I answered, as I always do, "Hey baby, what's up!?!?" On the other end of the call was Jess, Luke's new girlfriend. I had met her in November briefly, at the coffee shop she works at in Nashville. I didn't even really know they were actually dating, just that Luke liked her and thought she was cute (which she is).  Anyway, Jess was on the other end of this call telling me that Luke was at Vanderbilt Med Center in the ER, his leg was infected and they were trying to figure out what was going on. She was not letting on how serious this was and told me she would keep me posted throughout the day about how he was doing. Chris and I went about our day as planned, I was a little preoccupied with thinking about Luke but I had a good time nonetheless.  Later that night we talked again and things were a lot different from the morning. She was completely freaked out and on the verge of losing it, she was panicked and throwing out words like septic, amputation, this was more than I could comprehend. Less that 12 hours later, I was on a plane to Nashville. I've written previously about Luke's ordeal and I am not going to repeat it here.

It is one year later and things have returned to normal, what has changed? I for one, I found and inner strength that I did not know I had. I found a faith that I will never take for granted again. I found that people will stand in the gap for you. I found that friends will hold your life in their hands for however long you need them to. I found that people you don't know will pray for you. I found that your husband will drive a million miles to make life better for you. I found that my boys, all of them, are the center of my universe and there is nothing that will change that.

The day, one year ago, is still as clear in my memory as it was that day. I keep hoping it will fade but it may never go away. Facing the death of a child is something I hope you never have to experience but I did and I'm trying to move past that part. Luke is doing GREAT, he is healthy, happy and better than ever, so why do I struggle with these damn flashbacks?? I saw my baby struggle for breath, I watched him make the decision to fight to keep his leg--amidst ICU psychosis--I spent two months living in a bachelors apartment taking care of my 27 year old sick child. I was away from my grandbabies. I relied on my mom to take care of my puppy and my husband's laundry and ironing. I want to not remember but I know that I will not be able to EVER forget. How do you move on? How do you? I do not know, I do not think I will ever be free from the flashbacks. This is something that has left an indelible mark on my life and I must learn to face the flashbacks and accept the tears that accompany them.

I try to focus on the positive. I marvel at the miracle that happened following this horrific time. I think about the young lady who stole my son's heart and saved his life. I watched one son rush to the side of his brother and just hold his hand. There are so many good things to think on and I am grateful for each of them. Not a day goes by that I don't think about the miracle that happened and maybe that is why I have flashbacks, this is not something I can put in the memory banks, it must remain front and center. It is a constant reminder of the power of God and His love for me and my family. He did a miracle in my life and no one can tell me differently, I asked people to pray and they did, more than I could ever imagine. So many things have happened between then and now, life has returned to a place of normalcy. I go about doing all the things I do, the things I am built to do. I take care of my home and my family. But I have to tell you that I look at those things a little differently and I hold each moment a little more tenderly.

This is our experience, your experience will be very different from ours. I will pray for you and for your loved ones, please just ask me, I don't even need the details, God knows, He will be with you, it may not be how you think you need Him, but He will be there, in many forms. So maybe the flashbacks aren't negative, maybe they are just a reminder to me to thank God once again for being in my life.